It isn't just the loneliness of this day, or the worry about finances, or a house that is way too quiet. It is the dawning upon me that I could live for years. There is a huge weight in knowing that I will be eating my solitary dinners, taking the dog for all of his late night walks (well, all walks), making ends meet, missing my sweetheart for possibly years and years and years.
I am trying really hard to just be present in today, just putting one foot in front of the other. Well intentioned folks have said to me over and over that, "it will get better with time", but how on earth could it? Every day that passes is a day longer since I last touched his face, had a conversation with him, since I kissed him good-bye as he left for work.
I fell into a full panic last week thinking that I couldn't remember how his voice sounded. Of all times in the world, I had just recently cleaned all of the saved messages off of my voicemail. I made a sad and desperate visit to the Verizon store hoping that they could work some magic and bring back old deleted messages. They could not. I went back through albums and albums of photos and finally found a tiny video clip where he is talking in the background. I have listened a thousand times or more to it.
The weight of it all is enormous.
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