Every day, it seems, is a "first" for something. First time I made the green chili soup he loved, and he was not here to eat it. First time I went to the accountant's and had the taxes done on my own. First time I went to the Grief Support Group and talked to strangers about my sadness. Tomorrow will be the first chili cook-off that he won't have sent money to vote for our friends. Every day seems to have a "first".
Today was my first Valentines Day without him. I didn't expect it to be a real big deal. We had stopped spending money on each other on Valentines Day years ago. It was, however, the first Valentines Day in years that he wasn't the first to wish me a happy Valentines Day. In fact, there will be many days ahead- birthdays, Christmas, New Years- when he won't be calling me at midnight to be the first to celebrate with me.
I was so well loved today by friends and family- a way bigger fuss made over me than usual. But I was no one's sweetheart, and never will be again. It was my first year to write in our little Valentines book "Things We Love About Shawn" without laying it at his place to see when he got home.
I am longing for some other firsts. The first night that I won't be slammed at some point during the evening by the crushing weight of missing him, in spite of my best efforts to keep my mind and heart occupied. The first time I can say that my husband passed away without having a full breakdown. The first time I finally have a day when I don't wonder how on earth I can keep breathing without him. I have every confidence that there will be those firsts. Probably not real soon.
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