What did I do to deserve this?

That's the title of today's devotion in one of my books about grief that a friend gave me.
 
When I read the title, it immediately resonated in me.  The thing is, as I read the devotion I realized that I was coming at that question from a totally different angle than the writer.  The writer was talking about folks who question why their loved one is taken from them. Now I'm not saying that I don't wonder at the timing of it, that I don't rail against the thought of living without him, but my thoughts have been less question and more statement. 


 There is not one thing I could have ever ever done to have earned the chance to love and be loved for 20 years by someone who saw me for what I am, broken and flawed.  There is not one thing in me worthy of the kind of friendships that I have, the family that I have, the co-workers that I have who have carried my big old sorry self through these awful days. As hard as these days have been, every single day has been crammed full of tender mercies. 
 
I have in my heart a strong and unrelenting certainty that in spite of all of the sadness I feel right now, I am held.  I could not have earned the life I have- it is so rich and so full, even in great sadness.  I walk the balance of feeling unworthy and of feeling so very very blessed. 


 I have been thinking of a song my son used to sing called "Who Am I?"

"Who Am I"

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow.

A wave tossed in the ocean.

A vapor in the wind.

Still You hear me when I'm calling.

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.

And You've told me who I am.

I am Yours, I am Yours.

What did I do to deserve this?  Not enough.